In With The Old

Known for their wisdom and memory, elephants are the intelligent giants of the animal kingdom.   These beautiful creatures truly are at the top of the food chain with no predators except man.  Of course being at the top means a long life span, as a matter of fact, elephants can live up to 50-70 years.  Unlike humans though…female elephants know, with age, comes honor. Females such as mothers, daughters and aunts will live in herds together with the oldest female being their leader.  There’s no doubt that wisdom and memory go hand and hand, which is why, the eldest female is so worthy to follow. 

It’s amazing what all we can learn from animals.  Like when you see an older couple and you wonder what their secret is to a long and happy marriage.  Is it because they were perfect for each other never having any fights?  Were they always romantic?  Maybe they were high school sweethearts.  What memories do they have?  Maybe they just made wiser decisions all along. 

No.  As I said, wisdom and memory go hand and hand.  Those who are wise in their marriage use their memories to enhance their characteristics and wisdom.  When they encounter life’s blessings or problems they learn from it and move on and earnestly strive not to forget the lesson learned.  As the old saying goes, “those who don’t learn from history are doomed to repeat it.” 

The foolish on the other hand, will not learn from blessings or mistakes they’ve made.  Instead, a wife may hold a grudge against her husband when a problem is pointed out in their relationship, rather than looking honestly at the truth and changing it.  Or if she does change, for the time being, she in no way keeps it in her memory to escape failure again and again.

So how can we be a wise wife to better our marriage?

BY PRAYING

We can look at King David as a great example who made several mistakes.  Mistakes/sins that cost him the life of his baby by Bathsheba.  David was utterly grief stricken after God told him the punishment for his sins.  He fasted and prayed fervently in hopes of changing God’s mind.  We should be praying that our love for our husband grows stronger no matter what our marriage may be going through… to work through the problems, if at all possible.  God will give you strength to overcome sin and the consequences of your sins. Remember David was still considered a man after God’s own heart even after all he had done. 

BY LEARNING

You have two choices when it comes to memories.  They can either cripple you like Judas’ betrayal of Jesus or inspire you to be a better person like Paul.  You may be thinking about that terrible argument you had with your husband about money, sex or the kids.  If it’s something you can change to better your marriage then do it.  Why not learn from it rather than dwelling on the memories of the fight and becoming more bitter?   

BY MOVING ON

Everyone would love to forget bad memories but regardless they help us to grow and become a wiser person.  King David could have become overwhelmed to the point of taking his own life but instead he chose to move on.  After the baby died there was no more that could be done.  Incessantly dwelling on these horrific memories of his sins would have hindered his service to God, his family and his people.  Maybe it’s not our own sin; sometimes it’s the memory of someone else’s sin that needs to be forgiven for us to move on.  Pray for God to help you let go.  

BY LISTENING

If pictures are worth a thousand words think of all the wisdom that can be told from the memory of our elders.  As our memories and wisdom grows, we would do well to remember, that although we may learn a lot from animals, more importantly, we can learn so much more from those who walked before us. 

In with the old!

1 Corinthians 15:2

² By which also ye are saved, if ye keep in memory what I preached unto you, 

unless ye have believed in vain.

  

Poisonous Footprints

Back in 1978 lead based household paint was banned in the U.S. after doctors discovered just why children, especially under age 6, were having kidney problems, nervous system damage, stunted growth and delayed development.  It didn’t take much of the paint to get in their little system.   Merely touching it, then putting their little fingers in their mouth was plenty.  Although many toddlers would actually eat the paint chippings due to the sweet taste of the lead in the paint.

What a scary thought as a parent, to unknowingly line your child’s room with poison.   Thank the good Lord they figured that one out.  I mean as parents we do our best to keep poison AWAY from our little ones.  No matter which poison it may be, it still doesn’t take much to make someone sick.  Did you know that rat poison is 99% good wholesome food but it’s the 1% that will kill you over time? 

But it’s not just our homes that we should watch out for poisonous items.  Our marriage needs to be clear of poisons too.  Not just for you and your husband’s sake but like all other poisons, to protect your children too.  If we’re not careful, we can leave behind poisonous footprints for them to follow.  Get rid of them while you can.  Make sure not even 1% is there because like the poisonous lead based paint it will stunt the growth of our love for each other.  Then over time, may kill a marriage.  Slowly but surely!

So what is this poison to a marriage?    It is poisonous thoughts/attitudes such as…

I’m always right!

How many times have you heard or seen this joke?  “She married Mr. Right but he married Mrs. ALWAYS right!”   Thumbs in ears, waving fingers and dancing a jig while singing “nanny-nanny boo-boo, I’m right woo-hoo”…all come to mind with this attitude.   Even if we are always right, making our husband miserable in the process is very wrong. 

1 Corinthians 13:5 

⁵ does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered,

    

It’s not MY fault!

Holding a grudge and refusing to speak to your husband again until he comes to you is very childish and stubborn.  I know, I wrote the book on that one!  Thanks to my grandmother who was very stubborn as well and could hold a grudge until the cows came home.  (Which also makes my earlier point!) 

1 Corinthians 13:11 

¹¹ When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things.

Why should I apologize!

Sometimes we are truly in the right but that doesn’t mean we can’t say we’re sorry if we’ve hurt our husbands’ feelings.  Sorry that the fight was worse than it should have been.  Sorry for the rude things we said to make our point.  Sorry that we had a horrible attitude at that moment refusing to show reverence to our husband as head of the house. 

Ephesians 5:24 

²⁴ But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything.

I know what he’s thinking!

Even if you do know your husband pretty well and can sometimes guess what he’s thinking… doesn’t mean you always do.  Like the time, when my husband asked if a shirt was clean.  I interpreted the question as… “Why aren’t all of my clothes clean, you’re such a terrible housewife?”  In no way should I have ever thought that.  Of course my husband wasn’t thinking that but it was poison that Satan was ever so happy to let me have because it made me angry.  Unfortunately for many years I would try to guess what he was thinking rather than just ask him.  

1 John 3:20 

²⁰ in whatever our heart condemns us; for God is greater than our heart and knows all things.

These thoughts/attitudes can have a long term effect because it’s not just our marriage but ultimately our children’s in how they eventually relate with their spouse.  So don’t waste another second…

Get the lead out!

A Friend Like No OTTER

I think as wives we get so wrapped up in being a wife we forget how to be just a friend to our husband.  Mainly because we’re too busy griping about our husband to our girlfriends to even consider him as a best friend too.  Question…is it possible to be best friends with your husband?  If you’re not sure, then it may be because you think…he’s not going to understand me the way another woman would.  You’re right, he’s most likely not going to understand “exactly” like a woman but he can and should still be your friend.  So how can you become more than just a wife and begin to be a friend to your husband if you’re not?  By being…

Understanding

Proverbs 27:9

⁹ Oil and perfume make the heart glad, So a man's counsel is sweet to his friend.

A friend can be told when you’re struggling with something and they’ll be there to help you and not judge you in any way, giving godly advice when asked.  If our husband admits to struggling with something, we can help by showing him we don’t hate him for it by judging him harshly to reprimand his sin.  Communicate in a loving way your feelings about it.  Give him time to overcome it and remember habits are hard to break, so make better ones with him.

Compassionate

Job 2:11-13

¹¹ Now when Job's three friends heard of all this adversity that had come upon him, they came each one from his own place, Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite and Zophar the Naamathite; and they made an appointment together to come to sympathize with him and comfort him. 

¹² When they lifted up their eyes at a distance and did not recognize him, they raised their voices and wept. And each of them tore his robe and they threw dust over their heads toward the sky. 

¹³ Then they sat down on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights with no one speaking a word to him, for they saw that his pain was very great.

A friend is happy to share your burdens, even if the way they help is by sitting there in silence.  A husband will sometimes push his wife away (mentally) during hard times to keep from looking weak in her eyes, which may be hurtful to us, if we don’t understand this.   If this does happen at some point in your marriage, you may help best by sitting in “silence” and praying for him until he does need more.

Loving

Proverbs 17:17

A friend loves at all times. 

We certainly fall short of this at times.  We don’t even like our husband half the time much less love him at all times as a friend.  Or maybe it’s because we don’t view our husband as much of a friend as we should.   We may even deem him more of an enemy at times.  Regardless…however you consider your husband at the moment, friend or enemy, Jesus says to love both. 

Faithful

Proverbs 18:24  

²⁴ A man of too many friends comes to ruin, But there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.

Most of us do have many friends but when it comes down to it, our husband should be our best friend.  The one we stick closer to than anyone else on earth.  A friend that our husband feels he can share anything with.  To know that no matter what, in Christ, we’ll be there for him and love him at all times.

Joyful

Proverbs 27:17

¹⁷ Iron sharpeneth iron; so a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend.

A friend is always there to make you smile.  A wife can be a great friend to her husband if she is happy and smiling when he comes home from work.  Happy to see him because she truly missed being with him. I know it’s easier said than done, especially when nothing’s gone right while cleaning all day and watching the kids but we can choose to be happy, despite what our day has been like, not bitter. 

Lover

Psalm 88:18

¹⁸ You have removed lover and friend far from me; My acquaintances are in darkness.

Be happy.  Be a lover and a friend.  The worst thing a wife can be to her husband is one or the other.  To think, I'd rather be just a friend or roommate with my husband or give sexually but fail miserably at being a good friend is sad and above all sinful.   

Love may bring us together but friendship keeps us there.

Husband vs. Wild

Bear Grylls, a famous survivalist expert, teaches on his show, Man vs. Wild, how to survive in the wild for any enthusiastic explorer who may find himself lost one day, not knowing what to do next.  He teaches how to survive extreme elements, fatigue and starvation while finding your way back to civilization.  One survival lesson of Bear Grylls is to watch the animals in order to find water and to know when there are dangerous predators around.  He also says, when you find water, never think that just any water is safe to drink.  Always make a fire to boil it and cook your food when you can.  

Bear loves to teach others about survival because without a basic knowledge of these skills, a man lost deep in the woods could die before he is rescued.    He says, when you're lost, the sun can help you most because it always rises and sets from east to west.  You should always use it, when you can, to know what direction you’re going.  

Years ago, every husband was sent packing into the woods to hunt and provide for his family.  He would need hunting skills or knowledge, stamina and provisions to hunt for long hours.  However sending our husbands out into today’s wild world to “bring home the bacon” requires different survival skills for our husband and ultimately our marriage.  So how can we help them survive…

EXTREME ELEMENTS

When someone is lost out in the wilderness, the temptation to enjoy the beautiful day playing and resting is a dangerous one because elements can change at any given moment.  According to Bear, the survivalist expert, the need for a shelter and fire should be your first priority. 

The world outside of Christ is an extreme element that may become very dangerous too.  Like that beautiful weather while lost in the wild, too many think there’s no harm in flirting with temptations, until they’re swept away in a flood of sin. 

We should certainly look forward to the day when we no longer have to worry about the elements of the world but until then, as a wife we can help our husband survive the extreme elements of sin by praying for him while he’s away.  Telling him, before he leaves for work, how much you love him and appreciate him for providing for the family will remind him of his priorities.  

2 Peter 3:12

¹² looking for and hastening the coming of the day of God, because of which the heavens will be destroyed by burning, and the elements will melt with intense heat!

FATIGUE

Bear Grylls says, once you’ve secured shelter for safety, fire and water, getting some rest is crucial to surviving.  Without it, delirious exhaustion will take over, leaving you vulnerable to the elements and wild animals. 

Sometimes our marriage can become exhausted too.  The daily grind of making money to provide for the family is exhausting and can take its toll on a marriage.  It’s crucial that we make time for each other every day, not just once a week or worse, once a month.  We should always recharge our marriage for the next day to face the world and its elements/ temptations. 

Galatians 6:9 

⁹ And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.

STARVATION

Bear Grylls also says, no matter how thirsty or hungry you may be… DO NOT eat or drink just anything you find in the wild.  Contaminated water, poisonous berries or rotten meat can cause severe diarrhea and possible death.  It may look good but in the end, there may be no salvation for you.   

True starvation is hard for most of us to understand but you may have learned as I have at least, that it’s best not to go grocery shopping on an empty stomach.   It’s just not a good idea if you can keep from it.  Why…because it’s harder to tell yourself no to that big tub of ice-cream and extra snacks when you’re hungry, plus it ultimately increases what you planned to spend on groceries.  

A wife should think about what it’s like for her husband in the wild “starving” with sexual needs.  So keep in mind…a man with a full stomach will come closer to remembering his GPS (God’s Perfect Scriptures) to find his way home, than a desperate starving man who becomes lost while looking for food.  Lost because he used his “bread crumbs” for a trail that was eaten by the birds. 

Luke 8:5 

⁵ "The sower went out to sow his seed; and as he sowed, some fell beside the road, and it was trampled under foot and the birds of the air ate it up.

Your marriage will survive if you follow the living water! 

(John 4:10)

  

Sticks & Stones

We’ve all probably uttered the jingle like phrase, “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me!”  We also know this phrase to be the biggest lie a parent can tell a child, next to Santa’s coming.  And to make my point, thanks to my dyslexia, I actually typed Satan first. 

Unfortunately we’re not always the one dodging the stones but a Pharisee ready and willing to stone anyone who transgresses the law or to be honest… for any reason.  We can read in the Bible about the Pharisees, having caught a woman in adultery, brought her to Jesus to be stoned.     

John 8:3-11

³ The scribes and the Pharisees brought* a woman caught in adultery, and having set her in the center of the court,

⁴ they said* to Him, "Teacher, this woman has been caught in adultery, in the very act. 

⁵ "Now in the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women; what then do You say?" 

⁶ They were saying this, testing Him, so that they might have grounds for accusing Him. But Jesus stooped down and with His finger wrote on the ground. 

⁷ But when they persisted in asking Him, He straightened up, and said to them, "He who is without sin among you, let him be the first to throw a stone at her." 

⁸ Again He stooped down and wrote on the ground. 

⁹ When they heard it, they began to go out one by one, beginning with the older ones, and He was left alone, and the woman, where she was, in the center of the court.

¹⁰ Straightening up, Jesus said to her, "Woman, where are they? Did no one condemn you?" 

¹¹ She said, "No one, Lord." And Jesus said, "I do not condemn you, either. Go. From now on sin no more."]

.

Sticks and stones are the hurtful words that we throw when someone has fallen away from the Lord.  It is one of the easiest things another person can do but unlike an actual stick, you can’t fetch it and bring the hurtful words back.   

Unfortunately I’ve noticed this type of stoning as a huge problem with older and younger wives alike, who are quick to throw stones at their husband.  As in the passage above, where the man, who also sinned with the woman isn’t being held there for stoning, as if he was without sin, can be mirrored in our own lives when we tell our husbands… “I would NEVER look at porn and hurt you like that!”  All the while refusing to love and be intimate with him.  Jesus never said the woman wasn’t guilty but merely wanted those ready to stone her, to look closer at their “own” sins.

"He who is without sin among you, let him be the first to throw a stone at her." 

And just a “stones throw away” from the reason above, we may also throw sticks and stones at our husband, when we say things like… “I pay the bills too, what makes you so special!”  “Why don’t you make more money?”  “I couldn’t stand you if you were home all the time!”  Not showing your husband how much you love and appreciate him for providing for you, even if you do both work to provide, is certainly throwing some big sticks and stones his way.  That really hurts but so does saying things that will make him feel stupid or constantly bringing up his past sins, which you say you forgave him for, but really, it’s just so he doesn’t ever forget it.  

We also throw stones at the younger women, especially a young woman who may have made a poor choice and become pregnant.  We seem to have a pile of sticks and stones waiting just for this occasion.  We say things like, “Oh honey, your life is ruined because you’ll never find a husband willing to care for you and a child.”   “What do your parents think of you now?”  “I would die of embarrassment if you were my daughter!”  “At least guys won’t be finding you attractive while you’re big and pregnant.”  These sticks and stones can be so detrimental to a young woman with very little self esteem already.  We don’t see Jesus saying anything harsh to the woman caught in adultery.  Why must we?

  

It doesn’t stop there.  There is one person that we throw our sticks and stones at the most…ourselves.  We tell ourselves horrible things because we think we know what others think of us.  We may think things like, “No wonder my husband may look at other women… I’m so fat and ugly!”  Anytime we have these negative thoughts about our body image, our ability to overcome a lack of desire or we have a lack of forgiveness for our own sin…we think… “I deserve to be stoned.”  Just remember…the more you tell yourself something, the more you’ll believe it… be it negative or positive.  To feel sexy doesn’t mean looking like a Barbie doll.  It means having confidence in yourself and believing your husband when he says, “You’re beautiful!”  Above all, forgiving yourself as God has forgiven you. 

Sticks and Stones hurt deeply.  We must be careful not to be judgmental of others or ourselves.  Jesus, in no way, was shy over the fact that this problem was about sex.  Instead we should be willing to forgive and help others no matter what the problem is. 

Luke 6:37

³⁷ "Do not judge, and you will not be judged; and do not condemn, and you will not be condemned; 

pardon, and you will be pardoned.

Doggy Paddle Back

Have you ever been swimming/playing in the shallow area of a pool, river or ocean, when you suddenly drop off into much deeper water, causing you to panic from not being able to touch the bottom?  Until I learned how to swim well, I was told to “doggy paddle” my way back.  That is, to use your hands and feet alternately while laying on your chest in the same way a dog would swim, as if it were running but in water.  Doggy paddling has actually been used since ancient times, presumably from watching animals swim.  This swim technique is slow but effective to get back to solid ground. 

This can be like our desire.  It can drift so far away from shore that our marriage feels as if it has fallen off the deep end too.  With work, kids and chores who has the time or energy.  Certainly you can’t expect normal people to be together more than once a week… not to mention this crazy notion of every day.   You may be thinking… “There’s NO WAY I could have sex with my husband every day!”  (And just to be clear…no one else’s either!)  

But that’s OK.  I thought that way too, many years ago.  I had no desire, except in the beginning when I wanted to have babies.  So where does it all go…the desire?  Well there are many reasons why a wife may feel this way. 

You hate it.

You know... if we could only convince ourselves that we hate cake, cookies and ice-cream as much as we say we hate sex….we could all lose weight much faster.  I’ve made homemade icing for cakes many times and every time I do, it still gets to me, that the two main ingredients are powdered sugar and shortening!  I’ve never gone to the kitchen and dipped my finger in the Crisco bucket for a yummy treat…well besides when I was a kid.  O_o    If you think something enough your body will respond one way or the other but with enough sugar, you can learn to love anything.

Proverbs 31:12

¹² She does him good and not evil All the days of her life.

It hurts. 

As I said before in a previous article between endometriosis, post pregnancy and other health issues I certainly understand how hard it is to overcome such painful obstacles.  It’s embarrassing to tell our own husband about the pain “down there”, much less a doctor. 

Pain is a tricky little devil though.  It can become worse just by us thinking and worrying about how bad it’s going to hurt.  Most often we give into those fears and refuse to have sex. Unfortunately, we haven’t really helped ourselves because NOT doing something about the pain and foregoing the sex, can and will, hurt your husband emotionally and you as well. 

2 Corinthians 12:7

⁷ And lest I should be exalted above measure through the abundance of the revelations, there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure.

It feels wrong.

Parents and church members are so afraid to say how wonderful sex is to young adults that they go to the opposite extreme convincing them how horribly wrong it is but actually doing more damage because they leave it at that.  Like I’ve said in previous articles…it’s a moral mental block put there by our own assumptions in regards to how we’ve been taught. 

We must keep in mind; it’s not some stranger, it’s not your doctor….it is your husband whom you should allow to enjoy your body and you, his body.  Sex is God given.  It’s not wrong to like it and enjoy it.   

1 Corinthians 7:4

⁴ The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.

I’m not in love.

If you feel you are no longer in love with your husband then consider how often you are intimate with him.  Not how many times you finally give him sex each week by lying there like a dead fish, praying he doesn’t take too long but honestly how many times are you truly intimate and wanting to be with him.  If you’ve lost your desire because you are no longer attracted to him, then I would advise you to revaluate your attitude, not his physical appearance. 

By avoiding sex, you avoid your emotional connection to being in love.   You may find that the more often you have sex, the more attractive your spouse will become and your love becoming stronger each day.  Think of it this way…when someone is lost in the desert, they may see water that isn’t there.  As the old saying goes…beauty is in the eye of the beholder.  It’s all in what you WANT to see.

Titus 2:4

⁴ so that they may encourage the young women to love their husbands, to love their children,

Satan uses these reasons to cause problems in a marriage.  He would like nothing more than to break up a God fearing couple. 

But don’t panic because no matter what your reason may be, you are never too far out that you can’t get your desire back ….

just Doggy Paddle Back. 

         

With This Ring

“I thee wed.”  The exchanging of rings is an ancient custom still used today to signify when someone is married.  Although before the 20^th century only the wife wore a ring. The circle of the ring is usually depicted during a wedding ceremony for its symbolism of unending love between the couple.  It is also noted that the band of pure gold represents the purity of the marriage and faithfulness. 

“With this ring”… I am reminded that I am bound by God to someone very special.  Not only does it remind the person wearing the ring but it also reminds others who may see it.  When this happens, the opposite sex should understand then, “don’t even bother.”   Ere go, the ancient purpose still holds true today.  Unfortunately, too many single women see a wedding ring as an exciting challenge instead of a symbol of fidelity.

A challenge that wives should not take lightly, nor husbands...but that’s an article on a different blog.  We can and should help our husbands overcome such challenges or temptations by doing what is commanded of us, according to the scriptures. 

Think of it like this… when you take your wedding ring off, it still feels as if it’s on, usually, for many days for that matter.   You may not notice, until someone points it out to you, that you’re not even wearing it.  So by the time you do remember to put it back on, it doesn’t fit right anymore.  The ring “dent” in your finger is no longer there.  You struggle to push it down where it belongs.  Finally it slips on but it’s really tight and uncomfortable.  It’s not but a moment being on, when you run for the soap or lotion to grease up your finger to pull it back off.  You sigh with relief and think oh well, “I tried”.

How often do we wives do this with sex?  Our husband points out the fact it has been days or weeks since we’ve been intimate.  So one night, we finally remember to do something about it.  Unfortunately for him and you… it’s too uncomfortable now.  The “ring,” that is our desire, can no longer be seen, or even felt.  Our desire was hidden away in a box and even though we tried to put it back on a couple of times, we gave up saying… oh well, “I tried”. 

Sadly then, a husband may fall into temptation by the Devil, seeking comfort from a different ring…one capable of being seen.  Why because his wife didn’t push herself to try harder. “The ring” was easier being left off than to work through the uncomfortable feelings.         

Matthew 26:41

"Keep watching and praying that you may not enter into temptation; the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak." 

So how can we change our attitude about sex?  How can we put our ring back where it belongs?  How do  we make it fit again?  It’s simpler than you think…

Be sexy.  Be intimate.  Be in love.

The truth is… if you don’t feel sexy, you won’t feel like being intimate.  When a wife makes an effort to be sexy and to initiate sex, then she is showing her husband she truly wants to change things for the better by putting that ring back where it belongs. 

Remember, if you’re not making an effort, then it’s only to get another chore crossed off your list.  As I’ve said before, being “in love” will never happen, if you never want to be intimate with your husband.  So if you’re constantly wondering, where the love is, like you wondered where your ring might be…then ask yourself, when was the last time you saw “it”.    

With this ring…

Be sexy often, be intimate always, be in love….

until death do you part!